momentum

i am such a geek. pukul 12 malam. in the middle of two sleeping men, sedang buat kerja guna Internet Explorer. i repeat, Internet Explorer yang lembab macam siput. seriously tak paham kenapa sistem online PBS ni kena guna internet explorer yang i personally think is not as efficient as other internet browser yang lain. *sigh. dah la kerja-kerja PBS ni sangat2 renyah lagi leceh. tambah pulak dengan sistem yang macam teet. memang dayumm.

today is such a productive day. dulu masa kat Bagan Datoh aku selalu rasa macam ni. most of my every day is my productive day. P&P went well. budak best, kerja settle. no hassle. tapi feeling ni susah nak dapat lepas aku datang sini. well, lepas aku balik dan duduk dan fikir. the only reason is i don't have the momentum YET.

kalau dulu masa SPM, aku belajar momentum ni dalam fizik. tapi konsep sebenar momentum dalam kehidupan ni aku paham selepas setahun aku kerja sebagai cikgu. hopefully cikgu fizik aku tak marah sebab aku memang tak leh nak define momentum skrg. sumpah lupa. tapi nak explain the analogi that a momentum applies in life, i can do it easily here.

aku mula masuk sabda dengan hati yang excited yelah sebab dah ada on the right track of a permenant job. walaupun pada hari pertama aku dah rasa cam demoralised dek keadaan sekeliling, tapi takpelah. pujuk hati pujuk hati,

seriously rasa cam what the fuck je my working life that time. i was the only English teacher? and i was the youngest at that time tapi aku takde pun nak panggil orang kakak. dengan aku kuat mencarut, pastu suka gelak kuat kuat. for sure depa culture shock ngan aku macam mana aku culture shock ngan Bagan Datoh. tapi lantak la. aku terus pujuk hati aku suruh buat tak tahu.

then kerja sebijik habuk pun aku cam tak berapa reti nak buat. hadoiyai. masa tu rasa noob walaupun hari hari aku dok belek scroll degree aku. pengalaman yang aku ada buat minit mesyuarat tu ade lah apply sikit-sikit tapi bila masuk bab nak uruskan fail panitia, jaw dropped. apatah lagi aku dengar perkataan inventori. cam pernah dengar tapi ape benda tu. dan tu lah kerja rasmi aku yang pertama. buat stock inventory kat 60% kawasan sekolah. pergh. bosang!

masuk tahun 2010 aku dah mula rasa csam bijak sikit. mula-mula aku gi meeting kat PPD atau kat mana-mana yang SBP panggil aku rasa cam deer enter village. tapi dah banyak kali aku pergi aku rasa chin aku makin up. plus, aku dapat boss yang sangat support aku. hasrul, salute to you bro. pada tahun itu juga aku terpilih dan dipanggil oleh PPD untuk course menanda kertas peperiksaan. and masa tu aku dah mula rasa i am a teacher now.

2011 makin banyak meeting, seminars, courses yang aku pergi. walaupun aku merungut yang aku selalu tak dapat claim duit minyak. tapi best je bila dapat keluar and learn something new rather than facing the same face over and over again. 2011 buat aku makin sayang career aku. and aku mula pandang career ni sebagai sesuatu yang serius lepas aku kawin. ops selepas aku dapat result SPM 2010 and aku rasa cam i can do better than that walaupun boss aku cakap dia puas hati. tapi dalam ahti aku rasa tak. so tu starting point aku rasa aku dapat momentum dalam kerjaya aku.

masa tu come what may. dengan pengalaman yang aku ada, lepas kena marah and learn from mistakes, plus knowledge aku dapat dari courses, seminars and bla bla bla tu, aku rasa mostly thing went off smoothly. alah kena marah and tegur ngan boss tu perkara biasa. kita cerita ngan kawan, carut carut sikit, balik rumah kita tidur pastu sure kita lupa.

and what happened to me now? i am just not used to deal with people here, kena tegur or marah with new people here, deal with jobs here. and for sure, i really believe that next year would be a better year for me. i don't know but i just believe that i can do better. wmomentum tu dah makin datang. belum hit aje lagi. be positive walaupun dikelilingi insan dan ion ion negatif. ye idak?

and welcome to my life, a new experience... 5-7 Nov. Teluk Intan, wait for me.

bad day 23/10

today wasn't a good day. no, absolutely not.

Lowre bag yang aku beli sejak sebelum kawin putus. aku cuba belek, macam mana cara aku nak jahit balik beg itu, sebab cinta aku pada beg tu tak pernah putus. tapi harapan aku putus ditengah jalan. memang tak boleh diperbaiki lagi. so aku nekad. kali ni aku akan buang beberapa beg tangan aku yang dah rosak. 

reason not to feel good #1.

hari ini aku juga telah pergi ke Sitiawan yang agak jauh dari rumah aku semata-mata nak pungut parcel yang tak delivered. aku tau apa isi kandungannya cuma nervous, how is it. dah almost 2 bulan lah aku tunggu parcel ni. dan ni lah impulsive purchase aku yang paling teruk aku pernah buat. it is the Jameela modern kurung by Jovian Mandagie. kotak dia memang gempak. bila bukak, wow, agak masterpiece. tapi bila aku pakai, epic fail! S size is just too big for me. siot lah camne nak pakai raya? so aku bawak lah jumpa sorang tailor yang namanya Gally yang mana kedai dia punya motto is "dijamin siap 24 jam". nyonya ni mcm reluctant nak alter baju aku. mcm2 alasan dia bagi. last last dia setuju untuk pelitkan 1/2 inci je dari baju tu dan aku yakin it won't help much.

reason not to feel good #2.

sampai sekolah aku baru nak suap nasi kat mulut tiba-tiba cikgu Foong cakap "shida, got meeting now." fine aku pun cari notebook aku tapi tak jumpa. siot. aku bawak lah kertas A4, mmg lopek sangat lah pergi meeting bawak kertas A4 je. dalam meeting aku cuba nak tumpu sebab keadaan sekeliling cam bising. tiba-tiba aku terdengar "so Roshida will be the next SU panitia." then i'll go "ok" sambil tersenyum (yang mana senyuman aku sumpah tak ikhlas langsung. then aku kena pergi ke kursus jurulatih utama (JU) Pentaksiran Berasaskan Sekolah (PBS) form 2. so aku bersuara, "i am JU for form 1. so who will be form 1 JU?" semua orang dalam meeting berpandangan satu sama lain. berbincang beberapa nama tapi akhirnya soalan aku masih tak dapat penyelesaian.

reason #3.

hari ini exam. and aku kena jaga dewan. dewan pertama memang so so ok lah. yang bising tetap ada tapi still terkawal. dewan kedua, paper maths. aku rasa macam jaga kandang kera. bila disuruh diam macam-macam jawapan dia balas. kalau aku ade ilmu psychic aku dah memang buat kera-kera ni diam. memang annoying. dan paling teruk last sekali ade budak di charge atas kes disiplin sebab kurang ajar dengan cikgu. sumpah aku tobat taknak jumpa lagi kera-kera tu. 

reason #4

balik rumah. aku tengok muka anak. rasa lega sikit. 

semoga hari esok lebih baik. 

memori peperiksaan.

today is exam day. poor students but i am so in love with this period.

as a teacher, masa ni lah we all lapang sikit nak settle kerja itu kerja ini. tak payah fikir pasal lesson plan, apa nak ajar, activity apa nak buat. tak perlu pikir pasal buku nak di tanda. just masa dapat script jawapan jelah rasa nak muntah, loya, nak pengsan semua ada. but what tod do? this is part and parcel of a teacher's life. 

tapi budak sure rasa menyampah. menyampah yang tahap gile babeng. yelah, nak kena study sebelum masuk exam. pastu masa nak tulis essay tetiba takde idea. otak jem. shit gile masa tu. tengok soalan math, eh ni macam cikgu pernah bagi tapi nape aku takleh buat? shit ah! formula nak kira luas bulatan camne eh? lupa! siot tol. masa buat agama, alamak pendek semacam je jawapan aku. ah goreng lah bagi panjang sikit. paper sejarah, shit, yang aku baca tak masuk! ni semua part and parcel of exam life.

semua rasa benda yang sama. termasuklah aku.

dulu masa exam memang kebanyakkannya aku study, termasuk lah BI walaupun orang cakap BM and BI tak payah study. aku lipat kertas A4 jadi 8 bahagian, pastu buat nota ringkas guna pen berlainan warna. actually masa tulis tu aku boleh cakap yang aku ingat 60% benda yang aku tulis. lepas tu masa nakk recall balik subjek yang di baca aku dudu sorang dalam bilik atau atas katil and chanting sorang-sorang semua point tu. and aku makin ingat. sebelum tidur aku mesti baca pastu tidur dengan nota kat bawah bantal. and masa exam aku wajib tidur awal.

esok exam boleh dikatakan boleh buat lah. jarang lah jadi mental block or whatso ever.

tapi. masa SPM. 2003. memang aku takkan lupa.

paper kegemaran aku - BI. masa tu bulan puasa. mula buat memang aku yakin. tiba-tiba aku rasa sakit perut, rasa nak muntah plus nak berak. aku pun pergi berak. pastu rasa cam lega sikit. sambung buat. tak sampai 10 minit aku sakit perut lagi. and aku ke tandas lagi, kali ni pengawas ikut. malu dol. masa dalam toilet perut aku memulas gile. dah selesai aku rasa nak nangis sebab aku rasa loya sangat. aku try sambung tapi untuk kali ke 3 aku lari ke tandas sebab nak muntah. masa tu memang aku nangis and pengawas semua datang tengok aku. ketua pengawas call warden. diaorg ingat aku lapar sebab puasa. tapi sebenarnya aku keracunan makanan sebab makan nasi goreng basi masa sahur. 

aku dipaksa makan roti yang kak siti (warden aku) bawak. pastu minum milo. aku pun redha, korbankan puasa aku. then sorang pengawas paksa aku minum air suam. lepas minum tu aku terus lega. rehat selama 1/2 jam baru aku sambung paper aku. orang patut habis pukul 12.00 aku masih menulis pada pukul 1.00.

1.10 aku hantar. pengawas tu cakap "awak pasti? saya boleh tunggu lagi ni." "ya saya pasti."

kerana pasti itu aku hanya dapat A2 untuk paper kesayangan aku. 

aku harap aku tak perlu exam lagi. sebab dah malas nak study. tapi, aku manusia ada cita-cita. dan aku takkan biar rasa benci ni halang cita-cita aku. 

The power of a boy

I left home at 1210 for work. I bid farewell to mak and my boy but he pulled my tudung as if he never want me to leave.

1900 i was on the road in my car when i "saw" him in my imaginary car seat beside me. My first tear came down. Sampai je rumah, spirit rasa lain gile. Rumah tu macam takde soul. Bukak je pintu i was searching for the walker. Tp xde.

Tok amik amacap balik Ipoh as mummy has to work and no one is going to take care of him masa mummy and abah pegi mess night.

I sat on the couch, looking at his cot. The only thing i can do is cry. "Ami rindu acap..."

Hubby took me out for dinner. Hafiz's song Andai something something was on air. Then we talk about amacap. At first we were laughing. Then it turned to tears within seconds. Both of us were crying. We missed amacap. And that moment, is priceless.

I told hubby that i don't want to go home yet. With the hope that i won't feel sad. We went to a mall but all i can think of is buying amacap new toy and clothes.

It was raining cats and dogs. Hubby went to fetch the car. I looked up to the sky. "Ami ayang acap" - that is all i can say. I miss my son so much.

In the car, i was listening to the mellowing Astrid's song. Air mata nak tumpah lagi. So i sleep before i cry myself to sleep.

I just want a peace of mind, full of thoughts about Kamal Ashraf only. I am so sorry if i might be such the biggest shit in anybody's life but sorry i can't help it but to give it a pass.

Goodnight amacap. Mummy tak boleh tidur ni. Mummy rindu bau susu, mummy rindu amacap golek golek pastu invade tempat tido mummy. Mummy nak peluk acap.

Sumpah. Rasa rindu ni lebih hebat dari rindukan kekasih masa bercinta.

Thursday thought.

Orang yang sukar melafazkan maaf akan kekal sebagai manusia ego.

Setuju? Erm. Cermin diri. Kbye.

Bajet itu belanjawan lah

Shitday again? Not so shit la kali ni. Shit at the beginning perhaps ya. Sebab somebody lead me to this finding :

*rujuk gambar 2

Tak butthurt langsung sebab i am Roshida bukan Rashidah. Dan paling gelak guling2 is bajet is not spelt as bajet tapi budget. Budget is belanjawan. Cikgu Rashidah belanjawan aje? Apekah??

Kalau saya lah yang dimaksudkan itu. Saya tak perlu belanjawan bagus, belanjawan hot, belanjawan cantik, belanjawan pandai dan kaya dan sewaktu dengannya. Sebab saya memang semuanya ada tak payah belanjawan pun.

First belanjawan bagus. Tak cukup bagus ke package i ade? Berijazah, pandai masak, cantik, sexy dan ada pengetahuan agama. Kau ade? Belanjawan cantik. Mmg cantik pun kalau tak laki i taknak la kat i... Belanjawan hot. Mmg hot pun sbb semua panggil i cikgu Yuna. Nape xpanggil cikgu Kiah Propa ke, cikgu Adibah Noor ke. Sbb hot lah tu dapat jolokan Yuna. Belanjawan apa lagi? Belanjawan pandai dan kaya. Mmg pandai pun sbb dpt ijazah. Memang kaya pun sebab ada kereta and rumah and simpanan sendiri. Kau ade?

Bukan nak riak. Tapi sebelum kita cakap orang tu bajet. Kita kira dulu bajet diri kita cukup ke tak.

Tapi 117 komen di facebook mmg buat aku rasa macam nak nyanyi "you raised me uuuuuuup" by Josh Groban. I really feel appreciated. Like never before. And puas tengok kejayaan anak murid yang satu masa dulu pernah kena marah, kena usik dan macam macam lagi.

Rujuk gambar 1 dan 3

Puas. Lebih puas dari makan aiskrim haagen daas.

amok

aku kalau dah keluarkan pronoun aku depan budak tu mmg something wrong somewhere la. recall balik, tak banyak kali sangat lah aku guna perkataan aku depan budak kecuali bila aku cakap "ade aku kisah??" tapi bila aku guna perkataan aku memang aku marah.

kalau nak recall dari tahun 2009 memang tak ingat lah. takat 2011 tu boleh lagi aku ingat.

amokan pertama yang paling aku ingat. 5 Al-Farghani 2012.
aku masuk. mood baik punye. tetiba aku ternampak satu helai kertas dalam betuk kapal terbang atas meja cikgu. aku bukak. fuck. ni article yang aku bagi sial! sabar sabar. jadi nak test budak aku suruh depa keluarkan article tu. and yes yes yes. 8 orang hilangkan. sedangkan dari awal tahun aku selalu cakap "jangan guna hand out yang saya bagi untuk bungkus nasi lemak atau lapik punggung semasa nak duduk atas lantai" korang boleh hilangkan. cipan betul. ingat senang ke nak bagi article free kat orang bila kat bagan datoh takde kedai fotostet dan aku kena drive 29 km just nak fotocopy handout kat korang. and aku bayar setiap helai yang aku fotocopy tu dengan duit sendiri sedangkan masa tu aku tengah save nak kawin. boleh korang treat kertas tu camtu? cipan! so aku pun membebel lah. memula cam ok ok lg. nampak gaya cam cikgu sedang marah. tetiba aku rasa sayu. fuck aku menangis. dari pronoun I terus jadi aku.

aku menangis air mata kemarahan lah.sambil mulut terus membebel. atas meja natasya ade buku. memula aku ambil buku tu. aku pegang. hayun kiri hayun kanan. pastu aku campak. aku cari lagi barang. kotak pensil pulak. aku campak. campak itu campak ini. memang teruk kelas tu jadinya. aku angkat buku rekod dan blah. fuck fuck fuck.

aku memang ada habit suka membaling. so jangan buat aku marah semasa aku memegang pisau atau lembing.

amokan kedua. 5 Al-Haitham 2012.
aku mengamuk sebab ni kelas favourite aku tahun itu. pastu aku dengar ade budak claim aku tak masuk kelas mengajar, aku bukan cikgu yang baik lah bla bla bla. masa tu aku sedang hamil. 4 kali keluar masuk hosp. sebulan aku mc secara kolektifnya. so camne aku nak masuk kelas? seumur hidup aku jadi cikgu aku tak pernah tak masuk kelas sebab malas dan aku duduk di kantin minum nescafe sambil makan kuih ketayap. memang aku kecewa sangat sebab orang-orang yang aku harap paham keadaan aku backstab aku dari belakang. sedih dol. tapi takpelah. aku memang bukan cikgu yang baik. aku rasa satu hari nanti bila budak budak ni dah hamil atau bini mereka hamil, diaorg akan paham keadaan aku, si penghidap talassemia yang hamil dengan hb hanya antara 8-9 sahaja. aku mengamuk masa prep malam.

besoknya, Nuur Izham datang suruh aku check karangan dia. dia tulis pasal aku. ayat dia paling aku ingat "you are like a velcro strap, and we need you ..." aku cam, velcro strap? tapi aku senyum dan eventually kemarahan aku makin mereda. lagipun 2 tahun aku ajar bebudak US ni. kalau aku haramkan ilmu memang penat lah. aku kerja kat sabda tu macam nak mampos je. sia sia kalau aku haramkan.

sekarang bila tengok kejayaan budak-budak tu. rasa cam serious shit best. i am not a loser actually. waluapun aku bukan guru yang baik tapi alhamdulillah anak murid aku semuanya berjaya dan paling penting diaorng ingat aku dan hargai aku. syukur.

quitting? will do jugak someday. with pride. i am leaving this career one day because i am so going to be a lecturer. insyaAllah.

"i have a dream... a song to sing. to help me cope. with everything. if you see the wonder, of a fairy tale. you can take the future, even if you can't..."

good shitday #1

nak tido awal lah kononnya. as tomorrow mak will come to my house like very early and i had to kemas kemas lah ape yang patut. tapi don't know why idea cam mencurah-curah macam popcorn from the pot.

today. today is a shitday but i feel good. i spilled everything out. nothing left in me.

i went to the class which the boy wanted to pay me because he didn't want to do my homework. and i crushed him with my razor-blade, cynical lectures and ended every point i deliver with "eh, korang kan kaya..." "eh, terasa ke?" crush crush and crush. puas hati aku. ni lah antara dialogue yang aku ingat:

"awak boleh rujuk kamus kalau tak tau. eh, takde kamus? takkan tak boleh beli kamus? kamus 8 ringgit je. kata orang kaya..."

"awak kaya sebab duduk rumah dua tingkat? kaya ke orang duduk rumah dua tingkat? kandang kucing aku pun dua tingkat kot..."

"ko naik kereta vios je? la, sama la harga dengan kereta laki aku. ingatkan pakai porsche cayenne. eh jap. vios tu kereta kau ke kereta bapak kau?"

"bapak kau ade 5 kereta? wow. kau ade? kau ade basikal fixie je? kesiannye kau."

"kau orang kaya? kau duduk penthouse ya? ha? kau tak tau penthouse tu ape? sah sah lah kau tak cukup kaya. sebab orang kaya je duduk penthouse. kesiannye kau tak tahu penthouse tu ape."

"kau kaya? kau pakai handset apa? jap, galaxy ace? ohoo. sapa beli? ohoo bapak kau beli... ni nak bagitau lah ye. bukan nak berlagak ke ape. tapi aku pakai samsung galaxy note. dan aku beli pakai duit sendiri tak mintak pun kat abah aku. kau ade?"

si mamat terus keluarkan puzzle dan buat. aku teruskan sindiran tu. tanpa henti.

paling aku bangga sekali bila aku cakap.

"kalau kau orang kaya, kenapa kau belajar kat sini? kau patutnya masuk international school. sini sekolah chokia. orang miskin je patut sekolah sini sebab sini free. yuran pun tak payah bayar. ape kelas sekolah kat sini. lagipun kau masuk sini, babi yang ajar kau. kat Tenby international school, orang yang mengajar kau. buat apa belajar dengan babi?"

hooo. kasar kan? ya. kerana ada yang memberi jolokan khinzir kepada cikgu. bukan pada aku lah tapi kalau cikgu tu khinzir, aku pun khinzir sama. sebab kami cikgu. lawak lah.

budak tak sedar. kalau cikgu haramkan ilmu yang dia ajar tu, tak ke sama macam dia makan khinzir?

kalau cikgu khinzir, kau orang anak khinzir la. sebab tak mungkin khinzir mengajar manusia. tapi manusia mengajar khinzir? boleh berlaku kot. misalnya, seorang penternak khinzir (manusia la. takkan kambing ternak khinzir) mengajar khinzir untuk masuk ke kandang tepat jam 6 petang. hahahaha! aku tergelak sendiri bila pikir keadaan ni.

loceng bunyi. aku angkat beg. mamat tu hantar puzzle. aku keluar kelas dalam keadaan chin up. dalam hati aku menyanyi "i am the champion, my friend... and i keep on fighting to the end... i am the champion. i am the champion... of the world...."

balik bilik guru minum coke. pergh. double nikmat!

three lesson learnt from others, today

moody. aku lah tu. banyak benda buat aku marah hari ini.

adakah salah kalau seorang guru meminta murid senyap ketika dia sedang bercakap? eh jap. perlu ke guru tu minta? bukan memang patut buat ke? tu bukan di kira sebagai tanda hormat kita kepada guru ke? 

aku memang bukanlah cikgu yang baik. favourite budak-budak. tak kisah pun. tapi aku bukanlah cikgu yang jahat. yang suka cari pasal dengan budak tanpa sebab. pukul atau marah budak tanpa sebab. hari ini, aku masuk kelas dan telah mengajar subjek aku ditambah dengan elemen "general knowledge", hoping that kelas tu boleh jadi kelas yang santai. budak tak perlu tulis banyak, just sit and listen.

pertama sekali aku memang terganggu dengan bunyi bising dek budak tingkatan 1 rehat. budak yang seret meja masuk kelas. plus, budak kelas aku yang berjalan-jalan dan bersembang masa aku suruh buat kerja. aku memang bersabar. cuba tak maki. so aku cakap:

"saya tak minta awak senyap sampai balik, cuma jangan bercakap semasa saya sedang bercakap. kalau awak bercakap, saya bercakap, siapa mahu mendengar?"

mulanya mereka senyap. aku juga ajar mereka tentang penyakit buasir. mereka ketawa. bila aku mahu sambung bunyi bercakap-cakap itu masih tak mahu berhenti. jadi aku ulang semula dialog diatas.

ketika sedang bercakap tentang makanan yang harus dikurangkan, bunyi itu muncul lagi. kali ini aku tak kuasa lagi nak jerit. aku berhenti, aku tarik nafas. cari tisu, lap tangan dan keluar ke pintu. sambil dalam hati aku berkata "tolonglah terasa" tapi bunyi itu berterusan. aku masuk dalam balik. cuba buka mulut mahu berkata sesuatu tapi bunyi itu masih wujud. aku berdiri macam orang-orang depan papan putih, dan cukup. that's my limit. aku bungkus semua dan cabut. dalam hati - "fuck shit!"

masuk bilik guru, aku terus twit semua yang aku rasa. dan ni kali pertama aku twit lebih dari 8 twit sekali twit. hilang hormat. sebab aku tidak dihormati ditempat yang aku paling patut dihormati. 

kelas seterusnya. aku berikan sesuatu yang ringan pada budak-budak. wordsearch puzzle yang mereka suka. aku cakap "siapa siap cikgu bagi RM5." semua murid duduk di lantai sebab kelas ini di dewan. dan manusia kanyaq ini enggan duduk di bawah. "tak biasa" katanya. wow. aku tanya "kamu orang apa tak pernah duduk atas lantai." "saya orang kaya" jawab si kanyaq. wow. aku rasa abah lagi kaya dari bapak dia. tapi aku biasa duduk di lantai dan waktu itu aku duduk bersama budak di lantai. 

akhir kelas hanya seorang yang berjaya menyelesaikan puzzle itu. "buat puzzle ni kat rumah. esok hantar. siapa tah hantar bayar saya seringgit!" si kanyaq keluarkan seringgit dari poket seluarnya dan serah duit tu pada aku. dalam hati "bedebah sungguh!" "saya nak bayar sebab saya tak mahu buat." wow kanyaq, kau cabar cikgu.

dan ini bukan kali pertama.

aku terus hina kanyaq gemuk itu. "eeh kau orang kaya ye? singgit je harga ilmu pada kau? bapak kau kerja apa cuba cerita sikit?" si kanyaq gemuk terus pusing dan berkata "tak apa lah cikgu." nak aja aku lempang muka dia dan cakap kau tak layak jadi orang kau lebih layak jadi khinzir. 

aku fotokopi puzzle itu sehelai dengan harga 10 sen. dan aku "minta" balasan seringgit. aku tamak? aku tukang pau? kasihan. anda tak mengerti bahasa figura. nilai ilmu yang ada dalam puzzle itu lebih tinggi dari 10 sen mahupun seringgit. ye lah, tanpa puzzle itu mereka takkan tahu bahawa clogs itu adalah terompah, bukan hanya bermaksud menyumbat. kasihan. bangsa yang tak tahu menilai harga ilmu. itulah sepautunya digelar bangsat. kasar bunyinya tapi tu lah hakikat.

aku terus berkerja. dan ya. mengawal 250 orang sekaligus yang berperangai seperti monyet lebih sukar dari mengawal 250 ekor monyet. dan cakap-cakap belakang kedengaran "cikgu tu tak pandai mengawal budak."   aku cari juga 8 orang guru yang patutnya menolong aku. tapi cuma nampak 3. tak apalah. cuma berharap sangat yang pandai mengawal budak tu turun membantu aku yang tak pandai mengawal budak. 

645. aku terus punch dan balik. tatap muka anak aku rasa lebih tenang. walaupun semasa membasuh beras hati aku ligat berkata-kata. 

semoga anak aku menjadi seorang manusia yang menghormati guru, menghargai ilmu dan less-talk-more-action person. 

What listening gives you.

If i were asked; which one is better? Teaching lower secondary or upper secondary. Definitely upper secondary.

It is not that i hate kids. It is just sometimes i wish i had the patience. I wish i had the "child" side in me. But seems i found it is hard to retrieve all those traits i need to deal with these "newly upcoming" teenagers.

I was famous as a teacher who told live stories; mine and others to my class. Not to brag or to expose my live to others. All for the sake of experience sharing.

3 years of service, 26 years of living. I had lots to share. I had some students who love my stories. Eagerly listening and enjoying the session. I can feel it. But i had some who aren't. But fuck it i don't care bout those rubbish. Take it or leave it. How i miss my English teacher telling me all those stories about life and friendship. It is fun to hear about others. Rather than sit and do grammar and exam question. Give it a break dude!

But kids, they refused to listen. All that matters is what they have in their mind and what their friends told them. That is what happening - i was talking in front and they were talking at the back. Don't tell me if you don't read newspaper and wikipedia, you can think about thr path you can go after SPM.

I still remember telling kids bout my weight when i was 13. I amazed a lot of people before. But when i told those kids, they became so indifferent. Even if i told to the good class. Such a boring audience. But they got excited when their friends talked to them. As if the teacher had never been 13 before. Excuse me, if you were talking bout your crush, i had thousands of them. Read somewhere-budak cakap cikgu tak tau pasal crush la, puppy love bagai. Fuck it! Aku bukan cikgu zaman Jepun. In fact, i can talk about punk music better than your boyfie. Just i am not so into rempit language. Sorry la. Retarded sangat for me.

Tak kisah la if you want to ignore and stay ignorant. Listening won't make you cleaver. Just make you knowledgable. And being knowledgable is not important forr you and your peer. Poor you. Dengar la lagu Saleem dan teruskanlah dibuai jiwa. Kbye!

how brain can save a marriage.

After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her. 

  Helen Rowland 

So true. All that a husband or wife really wants is to be pitied a little, praised a little, and appreciated a little.

i have too many expectations, perhaps that is my problem after becoming a wife. i was expecting that each time i cook my husband would say "sedap!" instead of me myself had to ask "sedap tak?" at times i wish my husband would cuddle me at the right time; not when i was in the kitchen holding a knife with smelly pieces of meat. how i wish he would surprise me with a bouquet of roses each time i sulk. how i wish he would help me to choose things that i want to buy for myself instead of saying "ikut suka" or "ntah" how i wish he would take me to candle light dinner at Sunlight again as we did on my birthday before i was married to him. 

too many how-i-wish.

i was trying to retrieve my sense. wait wait.

what about those moment when he surprised me with a gold anklet after i finished my confinement with a verbal message : "thank you for giving me a chance to be a dad"? what about those moment when he said "cantik isteri abang"? those moment when he went to the pasar and bought me my favourite satay and char quey tiau? those moment when he didn't allow me to carry a thing but my son; and he'll do all the trips to bring those luggage upstairs.  those moment when he agrees to all my clever ideas that works all the time (puji diri sendiri)

quite many positive ones. 

being married for 17 months, with only 5 months that we are truly been living together, i learn to appreciate the absence that we used to have. it is so damn true - absence makes the heart grow fonder. that is when you have all the time in the world to recall all the good things that happened around you and your spouse. 

i need a break. writing is a therapy. if you find this crappy. please leave. thank you. 

all thanks to writing. i gained my sense back. tomorrow will be great. 

nite.

mom-son priceless moment

nursing my son all day, alone. not even go to work.

sometimes, i do feel tired of being a mom. you know, all those dirty jobs; scrubbing buttock, collecting dirty diapers, cleaning vomits besides making milk once in every two hours, had to bear the loud piercing cry, dealing with bad antics. *sigh. rising the son alone is tiresome. i don't even have the private, quiet time to pee when he's awake. at times, when i felt tired, i do raise my voice towards him, or even smack things around to show that i am mad. and he'll look at me as if he understands.

then he smiles. and i'm helpless.

the eyes and smile defeat everything in this world. i had a rough time cleaning his dirt, but then when i put him in front of the mirror, and he smiled, i forgot everything. he keeps turning each time i put on his diaper, i was so mad. then i read A,B,C to him and he laughed. my mad was gone just like that! how powerful?

the relationship i had with Kamal Ashraf is so different. i do scream at him, but then he laughed and at the end it looks like a joke to everyone around. i pat the floor, he pats along. at the end, no one is angry, and both of us are smiling at each other.

i had people questioning the way i love my son. they claimed me of "not loving" my son as i screamed and mad at him. so how do you define the love that you have for your son? can you read and measure the love i had for my son? if you can, tell me what is the tool, so later on i can measure how much you love you children. come on, this is such so subjective! how can i hate him when i had such a terrible 9 months of pregnancy, 10 hours of pain and had my pile came out just to push him out to the world? i'm not a bitch. i won't throw my child into the dustbin.

i had a hard time when i am not with him. and so does Kamal. no one can pat his back and sang him lullaby and put him to sleep as good as i did. since he was small, each time he was in great pain, he'll be calling "mak". and now, each time he needs anything, he'll be calling "mamama...." that word is like magic. every negative elements i have in me, they all vanished within nano seconds. all i have in me is a great comfort, nothing can define that. better than having a large cup of Baskin Robbins. swear to God, so hard to explain.

each time when he had enough sleep, he'll open his eyes and stay quiet. and will stare at me, waiting for me to say something. i just say anything, he would smile at it. and that moment, priceless. the moment when we were on the couch, we were face to face. he was looking into my eye. i was looking into his. silence. then he broke it with the sound "tai tai tai..." together with saliva sprayed around my face. i feel soo "moisturised". again, it is priceless...

recalling those and those priceless moments i had with him, i feel so glad i am a mom now. life seems so complete. people respect me more. and the pride i have in me is much much more higher than anything in this world. at least, i have someone to love when the world turns me down soon.

kamal ashraf, mummy loves you.

pregnancy. hard one.

when the size of his foot is equal to the size of my two fingers

e.t

so much a grumpy boy who was born and raised by a grumpy mommy.

the end. 

bad hijab day

today i was having such a terrible terrible tudung day. never felt this before. never ever.

i put myself into a black bawal (i mean, a black, crumpled bawal). it totally looked strange on me simply because it was so neat under and on top, the tudung was messy like whatever. another agonising part is it wasn't easy to mend and i look more or less like my grandma in bawal. shit. i just forget it and moved my day on.

usually it took me 5-10 minutes to put my make up and hijab. but today, i spent 1/2 hour just to put my hijab on. first i tried it with inner, then an inner neck, then with ordinary serkup. nothing looks well on me. i was screwed up! like seriously screwed up. i spin the shawl, spin and spin. until one time, i felt "lost". was asking myself, what look is this? i tried diana amir's style and i said to myself, this gotta stop. i am so fucking late to work.

and yes, i was 6 minutes late to school. damn it.

went for zuhr prayer and putting it back on head was gruelling. i had to run to the toilet and all the time i was doing it, i felt so uncomfortable. but shit again. i was late for class. i said stop so whatever it is lah. lantak.

i was writing and writing on the whiteboard when suddenly i felt heavy on one side of my head. then i realised my hijab was no longer in place. siot betol, why should it happened in front of my students? ok fine i just pinned it wherever i think is appropriate, the bell rung and i ran to the ladies and fuck i cursed the shawl (as if it would understand me)

i just fed up, but i can't walk away without covering my head. so i just put on the simple style. while i was pinning and spinning, a practical teacher came in and smiled and said, "rajinnya akak melilit lilit." "oh dah biasa macam ni. so rasa senang. lagi tak biasa pakai tudung sarung macam orang lain."

yeah. i wish fareeda, ariani and pearl haya looked nice on me but no. i felt awkward. tried wearing instant hijab when i was pregnant and guess what, i feels like bad tudung day everyday. how i wish wearing shawl can be easier at all time. but the bad moment doesn't happened all time. i guess what it takes is just a hijab with a perfect styling at a perfect timing.

i am wishing for a better tudung day tomorrow.

i was wearing habibi by alkenali