sometimes, i do feel tired of being a mom. you know, all those dirty jobs; scrubbing buttock, collecting dirty diapers, cleaning vomits besides making milk once in every two hours, had to bear the loud piercing cry, dealing with bad antics. *sigh. rising the son alone is tiresome. i don't even have the private, quiet time to pee when he's awake. at times, when i felt tired, i do raise my voice towards him, or even smack things around to show that i am mad. and he'll look at me as if he understands.
then he smiles. and i'm helpless.
the eyes and smile defeat everything in this world. i had a rough time cleaning his dirt, but then when i put him in front of the mirror, and he smiled, i forgot everything. he keeps turning each time i put on his diaper, i was so mad. then i read A,B,C to him and he laughed. my mad was gone just like that! how powerful?
the relationship i had with Kamal Ashraf is so different. i do scream at him, but then he laughed and at the end it looks like a joke to everyone around. i pat the floor, he pats along. at the end, no one is angry, and both of us are smiling at each other.
i had people questioning the way i love my son. they claimed me of "not loving" my son as i screamed and mad at him. so how do you define the love that you have for your son? can you read and measure the love i had for my son? if you can, tell me what is the tool, so later on i can measure how much you love you children. come on, this is such so subjective! how can i hate him when i had such a terrible 9 months of pregnancy, 10 hours of pain and had my pile came out just to push him out to the world? i'm not a bitch. i won't throw my child into the dustbin.
i had a hard time when i am not with him. and so does Kamal. no one can pat his back and sang him lullaby and put him to sleep as good as i did. since he was small, each time he was in great pain, he'll be calling "mak". and now, each time he needs anything, he'll be calling "mamama...." that word is like magic. every negative elements i have in me, they all vanished within nano seconds. all i have in me is a great comfort, nothing can define that. better than having a large cup of Baskin Robbins. swear to God, so hard to explain.
each time when he had enough sleep, he'll open his eyes and stay quiet. and will stare at me, waiting for me to say something. i just say anything, he would smile at it. and that moment, priceless. the moment when we were on the couch, we were face to face. he was looking into my eye. i was looking into his. silence. then he broke it with the sound "tai tai tai..." together with saliva sprayed around my face. i feel soo "moisturised". again, it is priceless...
recalling those and those priceless moments i had with him, i feel so glad i am a mom now. life seems so complete. people respect me more. and the pride i have in me is much much more higher than anything in this world. at least, i have someone to love when the world turns me down soon.
kamal ashraf, mummy loves you.
pregnancy. hard one.
when the size of his foot is equal to the size of my two fingers
e.t
so much a grumpy boy who was born and raised by a grumpy mommy.
the end.
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