SOMEONE i met before.

Sometimes, I do think why I was not married to any one of my ex.

 

but then, it comes back to what Allah said in the Holy Quran;

 

(Lazimnya) perempuan-perempuan yang jahat adalah untuk lelaki-lelaki yang jahat, dan lelaki-lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan-perempuan yang jahat dan (sebaliknya) perempuan-perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik, dan lelaki-lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan- perempuan yang baik. Mereka (yang baik) itu adalah bersih dari (tuduhan buruk) yang dikatakan oleh orang- orang (yang jahat) mereka (yang baik) itu akan beroleh pengampunan (dari Allah) dan pengurniaan yang mulia. (An Nur, verse 26)

 

Suami saya mungkin bukanlah manusia terbaik di dunia. dia juga seorang lelaki biasa, ada kelemahan ada kelebihan. Begitu juga saya. But I was thankful he is my husband. Because I believe no other man I have ever met and fell in love could be as good or even better than him when it comes to loving me.

 

Seorang lelaki yang menyayangi wanitanya akan sedaya upaya menjaga aib isterinya. And I have never seen and heard my husband complaining about me, even I know deep inside there are a few things to grumble about (such as my craze over handbag, my tantrums, my laziness, and how temperamental I could be when I am having PMS).

 

I met a guy who keeps whining that I wasn’t an ideal lady. Even complained about me being fat and unpretty, about me being too fierce yada yada yada. Urgh.

 

A guy who really loves a woman will ONLY lie to take care of his woman’s heart. He won’t usually lie, but when he did, he won’t do it for the sake of hiding his fraud and save himself.

 

Met a guy who is such an ultimate liar. First class in what he is doing (and still doing it), DECEIVING.

 

A sweet guy won’t always talk sweet. But always has the sweetest action. My husband is not really that tv-like romantic. Never tried to suap me in front of his friends, never surprised me with birthday cake and party for my birthday. But he was the one who hold my hand when I was in labour. Picked me up at school with his Navy uniform when I was suffering from severe dysmenorrhea. Treated my family very very well, is proud of having my parents as his in laws. Wished me “Selamat Ulangtahun Pertunangan yang ke-3”, pat his forehead and said “takpelah, nak buat macam mana.” when I hit a Navara with his car, never called me stupid for not knowing how to do simple calculations, wash dishes when I was too tired, do laundry… ahh too many to put down on words.

 

I met a sweet talker. Promised me mountains and hills, but never turned up at the end. The worst was when this jerk promised to come and have dinner with my family and that was when my mom bought the most expensive and lavish ingredients to prepare him nice food. But he never turned up, not even called to inform. I have actually forgave him, but I definitely won't forget.

 

My husband is always ambitious. Always put self-improvement as his life priority. Realised that he is the breadwinner, thus made him a responsible person. He knows what to do in the future, never wanted to quit what he is doing. Passionate of what he is doing and always optimist. Career wise, I never met such a positive person like him ever.

 

I met someone who wasn’t serious about life. As if he never had responsibilities. He was free to come and go, even when it is about his job. Knowing him as a non degree holder, and still one, who plans to quit. I wonder what he can do and will do if he quits. And I feel so damn good I did not choose this SOMEONE as my spouse.

 

And when this someone appeared in my life now, trying to offer a phoney friendship, I know at the first place that he will still be the same SOMEONE I knew 4 years ago. I also knew that this kind of SOMEONE will never ever change. He crushed me before, and will crush me soon.

 

I knew it. And it happened. A liar will always tell lies. Not just to me, but to people around me.

 

No matter how hard he tries to pull me down, I still believe that God has sent me a guardian angel. Someone who will always secure and protect my dignity and future. My husband. InsyaAllah.

 

p/s : to this SOMEONE, i was thankful I met you. But I was enormously thankful that you are not fated for me. Thank you Allah. If it is not for the night I was introduced to this SOMEONE, the chronology of how I met my husband won’t be that interesting. Semoga Allah beri kita hidayah untuk jadi insan yang lebih baik, dan ketemukan seorang isteri yang sekufu dengan you. Amin.

 

 

confession a workaholic in mood-swine (sengaja dieja begini.)

mood swine is worst than mood swing. google the meaning of swine. combined. memang oink oink!

I tried soo dang hard to be positive. BUT I SERIOUSLY CAN'T tonight.

I am full of negativity - anger, sadness, rage, hatred, yada yada yada. semua -VE!

I was having such a long, tiring day. started with being late to work. then a meeting of "I-don't-know-whatthahell" content. class class class. ended up eating lunch at 4.15pm. class some more. PBS editing, SMM bla bla bla. I don't even smile. and didn't even checked on my phone! well that was weird. 4 years of career I survived being alone with my earpiece and phone. today it was all about work. and I was so tired. knocked out, I went home with only 15% energy left.

I wish world would leave me alone with my jobs. just me and my jobs. because that was me when i was having so many things to handle. no talking. no gossiping, not even snacking, facebooking instagramming. just cursing, music and working.

all work but no play makes Jack a dull boy. but if you play while working, no time to finish work, liao! then have to bring home and had no time playing with family. that was duller! so no play when working. finish it or at least half of it and go home and relax. play and have fun.

because the fun of a job is when you accomplish something. if you play, you can't finish a thing! no fun.

i wish people know that i am kind of serious when i am working.

i wish.

sometimes i got frustrated when people don't. but i just CANNOT please everything and every people around me. because i just CANNOT. even Michael Jackson and John Lennon can't. so, why should i be frustrated? ok now i am happy because that is just a piece of shit i was worried about! forget it.

i am in such a worst mood swing. i wish doctors could give me mc for this "condition"

ok ntah hape2 membebelnye. nk tido ah. i just need more rest to look fab. at least i feel good about myself when the world is not.

night.

i am back on 2014

what an ages hiatus? almost a year.

honestly handbag was the reason I was away with my writings. I missed writing (and cursing), but most of the time the thoughts are going down into the toilet bowl.

I promised myself I would write again once I got my 2014 wishlists come true. but I guess, the interval was too long to handle. hehehe.

talking of wishlist. I have 3 of them (actually 4, but I will be fine if no. 4 is unachievable)

(1) iphone 5S
(2) Microsoft Surface
(3) conceiving by end of September. (oh no!)
*** (4) capturing sunset at Kuta Bali.

I got 1 down, 2 to go. but wishlist number 3 scared the hell out of me. I was trying to tell myself that it is okay to have the second child by now. but it is Kamal who pulled my spirit down. I don't really know how to put it in words, but seriously it is hard to handle his antic by now, worrying me on how will he become once he know he is going to share both of us with someone else.

forget it! lambat lagi

career life was getting better, despite too many changes in the system, I still survived in the same school, seeing the same faces, and handling the same attitudes and wiggeries. I started to feel stable in everything, but sometimes things don't really turn up the way I want.

I made a resolution that once I am writing again, I am going to be more positive no matter how angry I am. but I was wondering could that be real. come and think of it again, I perhaps can be positive once I channel the negative energy towards something else. so the thing that could help me channel the negativity is

 

I am so gonna buy one.

but jap. mana lagi best. treadmill ke handbag baru?

Shit shid shit.

At times i wish i was so rajin to keep my blog updated. Tp malas nk bukak lappy. And via phone was erkk because my thumbs are big it can't type as fast as other fingers.

By the way today i found out some students erased the letters RO and A away from my name. Leaving it to be Pn. shid. I wonder if they meant to call me shit tapi tak reti spelling.

Yawn.. Bosan dengan gurauan picisan budak-budak kote kecik ni. At first i was thinking nk upah gangster debik diaorang. Tapi can takde ethics plak. Then panggil Supt Bakar datang kasi warning but cam malas lah pulak nak mencapap as the first teacher to invite police officer tp school.

So i just crossed my leg, do my online shopping, say "fuck you boys" in my heart and hum "shine bright like a diamond" because i know they don't have what i own. Fabulousity and class.

Poor chap. Shit pun tak reti eja. Pathetic. Ow ya! By the way, no wonder why they're like that. They're just pieces of shit.

Flush dalam lubang jamban je budak otak sempit macam ni. Haha. Bullshit.

2012 viva la career!

entri ini bosan kerana berunsur matang walaupun tak lucah. jadi jika berjiwa kanak-kanak riang, sila jauhi entri ini.

actually apa yang aku nak tulis ni takde kena mengena dengan sesiapa atau apa-apa event. just purely coffee pastu muhasabah tentang keseluruhan perjalanan kerjaya sepanjang 2012, tolak March April dan May.

Encik Azren telah mengajak Roshida berkayak. sebelum berkayak mesti bawa life jacket, bawak jugak walaupun tak pakai sebab nampak cam tak pro lah kan pakai life jacket. semasa sedang berkayak, kayak bocor dan Roshida dipaksa terjun dalam laut. Life jacket tak sempat pakai. Tapi terjun jugak. Paddle dah tenggelam. Panic sekejap. Terapung apung atas air dengan life jacket. Apa nak buat ni? Tak ada pilihan lain. Berpaut pada life jacket dan gunakan tangan sebagai paddle. Kaki pun tolong kayuh. Akhirnya akan sampai jugak ke daratan dengan kayuhan tangan dan pertolongan ombak walaupun ambila masa 14 hari baru sampai kat jeti Pangkor..  

Paddle itu ibarat ego. Life jacket itu ilmu. Kayak pulak ibarat kerjaya. Ombak tu pulak macam rakan-rakan dan persekitaran.

This is the analogy of my career life.

sesetengah orang rasa aku bertuah sebab dapat keluar dari sistem SBP. tak kurang yang rasa cam "habislah dia ni lepas gi sekolah harian" dan aku rasa diri aku bertuah sebab banyak benda aku belajar sepanjang penghijrahan aku tahun ni.

1. aku belajar tak semestinya pakai paddle baru boleh berkayuh.
aku belajar bahawa dalam bidang ni tak ada istilah cikgu SBP lebih pakar dan lebih hebat dari guru sekolah harian. ego aku lenyap macam paddle tu tenggelam. dulu bila aku dapat posting ke SBP aku rasa cam "e eh aku mesti bagus" padahal dalam course aku, aku seriously biasa biasa je. bila aku keluar baru aku tahu aku sebenarnya seorang yang sangat lucky. sebab 1st posting dapat SBP and lepas 3 tahun dapat transfer keluar dari sistem ni yang bukan semua orang dapat. bila aku masuk sekolah gred B ni, pertama kali di intro kat semua orang aku ingat semua akan cam wow kat aku bila sebut aku dari Sains Bagan Datoh sekolah no 1 di Hilir Perak. tapi orang buat derk je. ayat cliche aku selalu dapat "hm, sabar jelah banyak banyak sebab budak sini tak sama macam SBP" tu je. dalam meeting panitia 1st  aku aku cam nak cakap "bla bla bla, been there, done that guys, i am an ex KP ok." tapi aku sedar aku cuma seekor semut yang anytime boleh dipijak oleh geng geng senior yang rata-rata dah DG44 dan DG48. rasa jelah tapi diaorg ok je actually. walaupun ade pendekatan yang diaorng bincang tu cam bosan tapi i shut up sebab i know they know better. bila pergi kursus dan menanda kertas, lagilah beza tu tak nampak langsung. tapi ada 1 perbezaan ketara yang buat aku kena humble sampai sekarang - pengalaman. masa aku menanda dengan Pn. Hung dari ACS, aku look up kat dia bukan sebab dia dari ACS, tapi sebab pengalaman dia yang dah sebaya dengan umur abah. then i noticed, maybe sebab aku beritahu semua aku baru 3 tahun kerja sebab tu no one look up on me walaupun aku dari SABDA sekolah no. 1 di Hilir Perak.

2. tak mungkin aku boleh terus dapat idea untuk berenang ke daratan lepas jatuh dari kayak.
takkan ada orang boleh jadi professional, unggul dan ulung dalam seminit. jadi kesilapan yang kita buat tu adalah perkara biasa. tak ada sesiapa pun yang baru 1st time jadi guru kelas mampu isi register tanpa ada buat satu kesalahan pun. dah 3 tahun aku jadi guru kelas, aku masih buat silap masa isi register. dan 2 tahun jadi KP. aku masih tak hafal isi kandungan file panitia. it took me 2 years and i am still a lousy KP. so bila KP baru aku kat sini cakap benda bosan dan sistem pengurusan panitia dia macam kelam kabut, aku rasa benda tu biasa. kalau aku take over kerja dia pun, dengan pengalaman aku as ex KP kepada sekolah no. 1 dalam daerah Hilir Perak, i don't think i can do well too. the best i can do is to support. not to condemn. sebab bila kita pakai "kasut" dia, kita tak mungkin dapat menari segala jenis tarian yang dia tak dapat tarikan.

3. kepentingan life jacket. walaupun tak ada dibadan, tapi masih berguna kalau kita tahu macam mana nak memanipulasi kegunaannya. 
terus belajar, adapt, dan adapt. tak semestinya jika kita dalam kapal cruise, kita akan selesa dan tak mungkin karam satu hari nanti. dulu aku selesa sangat dengan kedudukan aku as seorang cikgu SBP, sekolah hebat no. 1 gitu. KP pulak, menanda kertas lagi. adjudicator debat, siap KP STAR request suruh aku transfer ke sekolah tu. tapi masih ada lagi cabaran yang aku tak pernah rasa tapi cikgu lain dah rasa. that simply means aku ni takdelah hebat sangat. aku hebat jika aku berjaya tolong Haris Usnan dapat A dalam BI tapi aku lebih hebat jika aku berjaya tolong Sai yang tak kenal huruf tu untuk boleh membaca. aku hebat jika dapat latih Hazeem untuk PPM tapi aku lebih hebat jika aku berjaya buat Afzal berat mulut tu bercakap dalam BI. dan aku sedar aku tak hebat langsung pun! di mana kita dicampak, belajar lah cara untuk buat diri jadi hebat, dan terus berusaha untuk mengadapsi diri. once dah adapt, i will be on the right track to be superb. dan tak mungkin dapat capai kehebatan seorang diri. kita sentiasa perlukan support dari persekitaran dan kawan-kawan. walaupun kita rasa dia ni cikai punya orang, tapi sebenarnya kita tak mungkin dapat baca jantina ikan dengan hanya tengok ikan tu sekilas pandang.

ok fine dah melalut sebab kopi dah mula hilang keberkesanan. selamat pagi semua.

self battle.

entri ni adalah pergelutan dalam diri aku sendiri sebagai mummy. tak ada kena mengena dengan sesiapa. me myself and I.

sejak cuti ni aku duduk kat rumah sambil masak tu macam-macam aku fikir. one of them is to further studies. swear, teringin sangat. and lagi teringin nak sambung abroad. tapi kalau local pun tak kisah actually.
cuma. otak terus pikir lagi seolah olah mancari alasan.

alasan #1 - existing responsibilities.  
susahnya nak cope with studies, duties as a mom and a teacher and a wife. it shows. this year i am marking and babysitting at the same time. memang somehow a failure occurs. susah nak focus when your son is pulling your leg asking you to play with him. and how to focus when your husband is waiting in hunger? nak key in markah dalam saps lagi. banyak sangat nak cope dalam 1 masa. ada orang boleh but i questioned myself and the answer is "i don't think so". it is not that i am being so pessimist here, just being realistic. i know myself better.
actually kalau hati dah tekad, ni smua boleh overcome. dengan kerjasama husband pasti boleh lah. so alasan #1 ni actually tak lah kuat sangat. 

alasan #2 - Kamal Ashraf.
he is growing up. i want my son to love me because i love him so much. and unfortunately i have lost one medium of strengthening the mom-son bonding - that is the breastfeeding. i have no other way rather than physical and emotional communication. and i know my son needs my attention. he shows it well. kalau mummy tak pedulikan amacap, dia tarik rambut mummy pastu nangis. bila mummy bangun dia senyum and sambung main. bila mummy tidur balik, dia datang balik and lempang muka mummy berkali kali. such an attention seeking boy. but that is all what he needs now. and i have to give. kalau tidak dia akan membesar sebagai budak yang tak cukup kasih sayang. sebab dalam masa 15 tahun lagi dia tak mungkin lagi minta perhatian mummy dengan cara macam ni. kalau diberi sekarang, dia tak perlu lakukan sesuatu yang lebih teruk dari tarik rambut dan melempang muka mummy supaya mummy bagi attention pada dia kan.
i do believe that a child needs the love from both of the parents. and i was lucky enough to get the transfer to Manjung. it seems that i am no longer a tough lady who can raise the child on her own hand alone. bila difikirkan balik, bukan self pride yang penting. yang penting ialah tumbesaran anak tu berlaku dalam keadaan normal. berlaku bersama ibu dan bapa bila anak perlukan kedua-duanya.
teringat kata-kata Dato' Dr. Fadzillah Kamsah. 4 tahun pertama tumbesaran anak sangat penting. jangan biarkan bibik yang besarkan anak. kata-kata tu aku ingat sampai sekarang dan aku takkan lupakan.

alah, lepas 4 tahun, adik Kamal pulak datang. bilanya nak sambung. alasan akan terus jadi alasan. sampai bila diri nak maju?

ya, adik-adik Kamal akan datang dan alasan ini akan berterusan. tapi kalau Allah mengizinkan perancangan yang dah dibuat, by the time i reached 40, my youngest would be at least 5 or 6 years old. and masa tu mungkin masa terbaik mummy nak sambung pengajian mummy. tak ada had dalam menuntut ilmu kan. dan masa tu kita belajar, anak belajar, bukankah itu inspirasi terbaik untuk anak yang sedang bergelut dengan perkembangan ilmu?

macam mana dengan cita-cita nak keluar dari sekolah dan kembangkan kerjaya?

jika mummy tak dapat peluang nak pertingkatkan kerjaya mummy kerana mummy tak ada master atau phd. mummy redha. bukan rezeki gamaknya.
dalam hidup kita ada wishlist kan. dalam wishlist aku cuma satu je yang belum tercapai - sambung master. dan akan aku capai jugak. what matters most is adakah kita dapat apa yang kita hajatkan? bukan bilakah kita dapat apa yang kita hajatkan. jika mampu, letakkan sasaran masa. jika tidak, asalkan tercapai, tu dah cukup memadai. sama lah macam berkahwin, kita plan nak kawin umur 25 tapi kadang-kadang jodoh sampai cepat umur 23 kita dah kawin. ada rugi ada untung. samalah macam sambung master. mungkin mummy rugi sekarang sebab semua yang sebaya mummy dah ada master tapi mummy masih a degree holder. tapi mummy yakin mummy tak rugi sebab mummy tahu anak mummy dah dapat kasih sayang dan perhatian yang diaorg nak dari mummy. sebab semakin membesar seorang anak tu, makin ramai orang yang akan ada dalam circle of trust dia. mummy nak jadi orang pertama yang masuk circle of trust anak mummy.

orang lain okay je. yang penting planning. 

jika orang lain mampu, good for them.
apa yang kita rancangkan kadang kadang datang dalam bentuk bulat. tapi Allah mahu hidup kita lebih cantik jadi dia datangkan bucu bucu pada bulatan tu. sedar tak sedar jadi segitiga. but why not? segitiga itu bentuk juga kan. walaupun pergerakan segitiga tak selancar bulatan, tapi still benda berbentuk segitiga boleh digolekkan dengan sedikit kuasa untuk menolaknya.

good luck myself. i love you.

batu belah batu bertangkup

sorry that lately dilanda kesibukkan melampau. procrastination has showed its impact on me.

but i stole some of my time to blog today. sebab rasa cam sedikit emo after watching Batu Belah Batu Bertangkup.

warning. this is a light entry. just how i feel and ponder using the other side of my brain. takyah la nak rasa otak aku tak betul or berkarat atau nak debate ngan aku on this topic. memang agak ntah hape hape la sebab entry ni pun tah hape hape.

masa tengok cerita ni i was soo effin' sleepy. tapi bila tengok watak si Pekan yang dah besar tido dalam buai, i was like huh? so aku tengok jelah cerita ni. pastu dia bangun tido and mintak telur ikan tembakul kat kakak dia. kakak tak bagi pastu dia hentak hentak kaki and become grumpy. masa tu lah aku emo. kalau lah aku dapat adik cam Pekan tu memang kena penampor la. boleh pulak dia tendang nasi pastu guling-guling atas nasi tu? sumpah kalau aku Melur memang aku sepak Pekan laju-laju.

tapi aku memang respect lah watak si Melur tu. sabar je dia layan adik dia. impressive gile sebab bila adik dia cakap "nak telur" dia bagi telur ayam. pastu boleh pulak si Pekan tu humban telur tu kat tingkap. kalau aku Melur memang aku hempuk telur tu atas kepala dia sebelum dia humban telur tu kat tingkap.

next aku emo ngan mak dia. my hubby asked me, "mak dia tu mengandung ke mengidam teruk sangat?"
ya. kempunan teruk sangat. as if that was the last ikan tembakul yang bertelur.  kamon mak... pergi lah cari lagi. dalam 100 ekor yang kamu dapat maybe ade seekor yang ade telur kan. and ikan tembakul isn't a rare species or an extinct one. eh jap. halal ke makan ikan belacak?

i put myself as the mom. of course la i takkan mengidam ikan belacak. maybe masa tu telur ikan belacak sama nilainya macam caviar kot. oklah i bought a can of salmon roe caviar with the price of RM35k. tetiba Kamal Ashraf makan semua. pastu aku gi terjun laut kat teluk Batik. cam ntah hape hape kan. daripada pergi terjun laut, baik aku merajuk pergi duduk kat Pangkor sebulan bila dah cool sikit baru balik Lumut. pastu suh laki buat loan kat Bank Rakyat untuk beli caviar ganti. kalau bunuh diri memang rugi, tak sempat nak tengok anak membesar depan mata sendiri. walaupun anak perangai menjengkelkan macam si Pekan tu, lempang sekali dua pastu kurung dalam bilik sampai dia insaf. takyah lah bunuh diri bagai.

haha. emo sebab cerita hitam putih. aku memang bodoh. tapi suka hati lah kan. aku yang bodoh bukan orang lain. and aku memang garang. so?

ok lah babai. nak mark paper.