mom-son priceless moment

nursing my son all day, alone. not even go to work.

sometimes, i do feel tired of being a mom. you know, all those dirty jobs; scrubbing buttock, collecting dirty diapers, cleaning vomits besides making milk once in every two hours, had to bear the loud piercing cry, dealing with bad antics. *sigh. rising the son alone is tiresome. i don't even have the private, quiet time to pee when he's awake. at times, when i felt tired, i do raise my voice towards him, or even smack things around to show that i am mad. and he'll look at me as if he understands.

then he smiles. and i'm helpless.

the eyes and smile defeat everything in this world. i had a rough time cleaning his dirt, but then when i put him in front of the mirror, and he smiled, i forgot everything. he keeps turning each time i put on his diaper, i was so mad. then i read A,B,C to him and he laughed. my mad was gone just like that! how powerful?

the relationship i had with Kamal Ashraf is so different. i do scream at him, but then he laughed and at the end it looks like a joke to everyone around. i pat the floor, he pats along. at the end, no one is angry, and both of us are smiling at each other.

i had people questioning the way i love my son. they claimed me of "not loving" my son as i screamed and mad at him. so how do you define the love that you have for your son? can you read and measure the love i had for my son? if you can, tell me what is the tool, so later on i can measure how much you love you children. come on, this is such so subjective! how can i hate him when i had such a terrible 9 months of pregnancy, 10 hours of pain and had my pile came out just to push him out to the world? i'm not a bitch. i won't throw my child into the dustbin.

i had a hard time when i am not with him. and so does Kamal. no one can pat his back and sang him lullaby and put him to sleep as good as i did. since he was small, each time he was in great pain, he'll be calling "mak". and now, each time he needs anything, he'll be calling "mamama...." that word is like magic. every negative elements i have in me, they all vanished within nano seconds. all i have in me is a great comfort, nothing can define that. better than having a large cup of Baskin Robbins. swear to God, so hard to explain.

each time when he had enough sleep, he'll open his eyes and stay quiet. and will stare at me, waiting for me to say something. i just say anything, he would smile at it. and that moment, priceless. the moment when we were on the couch, we were face to face. he was looking into my eye. i was looking into his. silence. then he broke it with the sound "tai tai tai..." together with saliva sprayed around my face. i feel soo "moisturised". again, it is priceless...

recalling those and those priceless moments i had with him, i feel so glad i am a mom now. life seems so complete. people respect me more. and the pride i have in me is much much more higher than anything in this world. at least, i have someone to love when the world turns me down soon.

kamal ashraf, mummy loves you.

pregnancy. hard one.

when the size of his foot is equal to the size of my two fingers

e.t

so much a grumpy boy who was born and raised by a grumpy mommy.

the end. 

bad hijab day

today i was having such a terrible terrible tudung day. never felt this before. never ever.

i put myself into a black bawal (i mean, a black, crumpled bawal). it totally looked strange on me simply because it was so neat under and on top, the tudung was messy like whatever. another agonising part is it wasn't easy to mend and i look more or less like my grandma in bawal. shit. i just forget it and moved my day on.

usually it took me 5-10 minutes to put my make up and hijab. but today, i spent 1/2 hour just to put my hijab on. first i tried it with inner, then an inner neck, then with ordinary serkup. nothing looks well on me. i was screwed up! like seriously screwed up. i spin the shawl, spin and spin. until one time, i felt "lost". was asking myself, what look is this? i tried diana amir's style and i said to myself, this gotta stop. i am so fucking late to work.

and yes, i was 6 minutes late to school. damn it.

went for zuhr prayer and putting it back on head was gruelling. i had to run to the toilet and all the time i was doing it, i felt so uncomfortable. but shit again. i was late for class. i said stop so whatever it is lah. lantak.

i was writing and writing on the whiteboard when suddenly i felt heavy on one side of my head. then i realised my hijab was no longer in place. siot betol, why should it happened in front of my students? ok fine i just pinned it wherever i think is appropriate, the bell rung and i ran to the ladies and fuck i cursed the shawl (as if it would understand me)

i just fed up, but i can't walk away without covering my head. so i just put on the simple style. while i was pinning and spinning, a practical teacher came in and smiled and said, "rajinnya akak melilit lilit." "oh dah biasa macam ni. so rasa senang. lagi tak biasa pakai tudung sarung macam orang lain."

yeah. i wish fareeda, ariani and pearl haya looked nice on me but no. i felt awkward. tried wearing instant hijab when i was pregnant and guess what, i feels like bad tudung day everyday. how i wish wearing shawl can be easier at all time. but the bad moment doesn't happened all time. i guess what it takes is just a hijab with a perfect styling at a perfect timing.

i am wishing for a better tudung day tomorrow.

i was wearing habibi by alkenali

oh my English exam!

bitter-heart. that is how i was when i walked away from school this morning. 

i was wrong for being so lenient. i shouldn't have let them sit that way. i should have force them to do the trial paper. i should have scolded them. shit!

but then i looked up and said to myself - can you force someone to listen to you when they are not interested? hell no man! then someone might be pointing fingers to me - you are not a talented teacher simply because you can't gain attention. well i am not, then i'll be one. i can't be one just within a few years of my service. 

back to my years when i was sitting at those places. yeah, i felt bored every time teacher asked me to do other states' paper on-the-spot then after that we'll discuss. i felt like, "alamak, takde idea.", "alamak, malas la.. ngantuk lah nak tulis essay." but to be honest, it really worked for me especially for subject like maths, history, geography and so on. but not so for my English. 

for God sake, how can you discuss essay? and doing essay while at the same time you can talk to friends, it is crap. the best way to write essay is to keep quiet and write. it is between you, your brain and your paper. kalau dalam gruop then tulis essay, erm.. don't know. cakap je lebih tulisnya tidak. 

but seriously trial paper helps a lot. with the trial paper then we can do analysis. which questions came frequently. we do one paper, get the help from the teacher to check, do again to correct it, and get the so-called 'rhythm' to write correctly and interestingly. wallah there goes a good English exam candidate *for writing part jelah.

no comment lah. lain orang lain techniques kan. for me, if you put the best teacher in the world to teach you, but you don't have the drive, you won't be able to achieve anything. but if you have a lousy teacher, but your spirit and determination is on peak, you are going to make it. and if you have the verve, your teacher is supporting you and she has the best experience to help, it's a perfect combo to a perfect result. 

thanks Teacher Mard. thanks Backstreet Boys and N'sync. and thanks mak. those are the one who made me fall head over heel to what am i doing now. i may not be a good English teacher, speaker and writer, but i have a dream that one day i am sooo going to be somebody in this field. 

Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.
Harriet Tubman 

Good luck myself!

Yunalis Zarai

I read somewhere about Yuna broke up with Qi. But that's not the issue that triggers my mind to ponder. I scrolled down and read comments about the issue and there you go; too many things popped out from my wits.

Quite a few claimed that Yuna has a terrible voice. Ade yang cakap suara katak panggil hujan etc etc. So suara macam Siti jelah ke yang sedap? Atau suara rock macam Ella je? Oh come on... We are different. I don't think it is necessary to give comments like that. If you hate her just leave her alone. And if you hate her, said something nice to change her so one day you'll like her. Tak gitu? Maybe diaorg tak pernah dengar Tori Amos, Bjork or Macy Gray. Asyik dengar carta Era dengan Hotfm je mmg lah kita rasa 30 orang artist tu je suaranya sedap. Widen our circumference of experience and make choices. Sedap tak sedap pilihan masing2.

Some people mentioned about her turban. Haha lawak. Some called her fashion as negro's la, ala firaun la. Then how should she dress? Pakai bawal cam Najwa Latif? Later people will claim her copycatting Najwa Latif pulak. If she puts netting as Siti did lagi lah kena kutuk. Thank God she didn't put on baldi on top of her head. What she wears is her choice. Lantak lah. You don't like her fashion then just don't look at her. No need to condemn her turban and mention the negro word. Sounds racist sangat. Nape? Only negro je ke boleh pakai turban macam tu? If she is showing her aurat, use some nice words to portray your advice, it might help.

It is not that i am a die hard fan of Yuna. I think she made us proud and we should make some good remarks of her efforts. Said something nice or just leave her alone. Not just Yuna, but any famous people around the globe. Kalau nak kutuk, kutuk lah dalam private status or blog. Kalau kat tempat yang ramai org baca, perhaps our opinion might cause chaos. Entah, i don't think it is a healthy thing. *berani kata kat sini sebab tak ramai yang baca.

Ok lah. All the best to Yuna. I once said "Yuna tiru style saya" depan budak2 sekolah, just to make them stop calling me Cikgu Yuna. And it helped. No more people sing Terukir Dibintang when i passed by. Sorry Yuna. Jangan saman saya kbye!

PMR 2012. no string attached.

Tomorrow i will be giving sort of a talk to a group of moderate students of my school. Excited? Erm, not so lah. First, simply because i don't know the students at all. Susah la, i can't tell what they are weak of, so it'll be hard for me to focus. Next, i can't expect their attitude. Part tu risau sikit. Paham paham jelah budak2 kalau dengan org yg diaorg tak kenal, how do they'll behave. *sigh. Be nice or i won't be one.

What comes to my mind was last year. When i was pregnant and nervously struggling to help those zlot boes' students. Almost everyday kids will knock my door to have extra class. Honestly i was tired. At times i just feel like saying no to them. But they were my 1st PMR batch. What if their results are bad? Seriously takut! so buat jugak. Gagahkan jugak. Who knows one day someone will help my children as how i help others.

Alhamdulillah. Their results were great. I am happy and proud. And perhaps that was my best achievement as a teacher of PMR, yelah since dah pindah i am no longer teaching exam classes and PMR is no more applied as public exam.

Rindu SABDA. I mean i rindu working with the people and the students. *sigh...

Ok fine. Win some lose some kan? Kbye!

post 2 - still no idea

i don't feel like uploading bulky of pictures here or anywhere including facebook and twitter, ever since the existence of instagram. but here's the view to those who haven't got any connection with any of my social networking site.

my son - Muhammad Kamal Ashraf a.k.a Amacap

adorable? see the mom la.

hahahahaha.

kbye!

hello?

like seriously i miss blogging. especially like now, when i am not so busy as before. i just need my momentum - please come to momma.

perhaps, no one read this blog. but i don't care. i write to sharpen my skills and my senses. lately i was amazed with the fact that a blogger can actually be a famous individual. you blog everything, you make a hijab tutorial and upload all your videos including your own whatever-rants and monologue, poooom you are now a social network celebrity. that easy? how i wish my first ever blog still exist. i might be more famous than Maria Elena and i might be making appearances not only in Hijabista magazine, but maybe in Mangga or URTV, who knows?

life is so great now. i am now living together as a normal married couple with my husband. we moved into a new apartment, so that basically means i am no longer working at my previous work place. my son is now approaching 7 months, able to stand by holding to his surrounding.my new apartment is good, even it looks old school and lame, but i am happy that i can cook, eat, poop and sleep inside it.

work. well if all gone smooth, life would be boring, huh? yeah, i had to admit that sometimes my job sucks, especially when it come to entering classes. but, other that that it is okay. took me a few months to adapt, and now i am currently happy with my position. busyness is common everywhere. i have nothing to complaint about.

ok this is my first entry after a long hiatus. and swear to God it is boring (i know). i am still trying to find ideas to write about. kang silap tulis kena saman. kbye!