heartfelt like.

lately, ntah kenapa i do feel really weird. really weird. i just couldn't understand my own feelings. hati ni nak kata tenteram tak jugak. nak kata libang-libu pun tak. ntah. i just couldn't explain.

today result eg tukar keluar. a few friends got transferred. obviously aku memang tak dapat. since this year a few things turned to be unexpected. i didn't get the approval and when i got the on-the-dot transfer offer to kisas, i had to reject it. too bad for me, but come and think of it, my status quo suits me better if i'm here.

lynda is going to be transferred to pahang. sharin pun. ustaz wan najib, fairos, nadrah. gosh. how i wish i'm on the list. when i know lynda is going, i feel very kinky. it is mainly the feeling of happiness, because i know she deserves it. first time i feel this kind of feeling. kongsi kegembiraan kawan. kinky sangat. because i used to be soooo indifferent all these while. lantak lah. but this time, i do feel "yeah, this is the best."

i really wish next year, i will be on their place. 

but before my time come, i had to endure years of pain i'm having all these years. complaints and trials and all the sorrow dealing with people who sometimes could be so heartless and brainless. handling rude and irrelevant attitudes. urgh. i wonder if i could be strong for this again. with baby to come. maybe. or maybe not. 

hubby tried to patch up my heart by telling me about kursus periuk api in new zealand. he said he MIGHT be going and he wants me to come along. but for sure harapan tidak boleh diletakkan atas kata-kata seorang tentera laut. anything can happen, anything can change within seconds. tapi kalau betul i will be more than over the rainbow! i need a break from this agonising routine and place. oh God i really need it. please...

oh TGIF tomorrow. can't wait for another break. but bacaan yaasin for SPM candidates? urgh... can i escape? hahaha. 

i'm bored and my tummy is pounding from inside. gi tido lah mummy. you're writing junks here. booooo. bye!

coretan of a sad wife

This raya brings me to a clearer version of appreciation. How pathetic when you were trying so hard to please hubby with a bulgy stomach then hubby doesn't enjoy all the efforts.

sad. That's what i truly feels. While at the same time i wish my family was here because they appreciate everything that i cook. hub only enjoy eveything that his mom cooks. i know deep in his heart he wants me to cook like his mama. but i can't be that lady.

Hub dislike my signature dish - the nasi ayam that my family loves so much. simply because his mama never cook that. when kak ina brought nasi dagang when she visited me, i can see how passion he was when he had that dish. and that nasi ayam was there. waiting to be rotten. same goes to brownies. i know my brownies broke like volcano. But still it taste good. but i know there's never brownies for their hari raya. useless kan berjaga till 4am to cook and bake but no one appreciate your efforts.

so my raya was spent sleeping while sobbing. simply because i miss my family members. and i feel sad that my new family didn't appreciate what i did to please them. I should be sincere but at times i need reinforcement. mcm dlm education. bila budak perform, kita kena puji and reward them. but ntah la. i need more time to learn more about life obviously. and obviously i can't be like the mom of my hub. i can only take her responsibility. and let me handle my the responsibility my way.

or else guy, marry a girl of your mom's choice. or fine someone who is good in copycatting. sorry i am not good in that.

be happy mummy. baby loves you.

my side of F.R.I.E.N.D.S

personally i just don't feel like bitching anybody now. but this time i just tak tahan lagi dah dengan attitude these sort of people - who misunderstood people through their judgement.

well if you call yourself a good friend to a friend, you better be good. for me a true friend could really understand his/her friend's position. well we have our own life and we could never stop the world when our status quo is changing. a true friend face it. but a stranger will always take negative out of it. 

we will be called lupa kawan and kawan masa senang etc etc etc. but who are you to judge? if we still pray for our friends, can we be called a friend who betray his/her friend? i just couldn't get it. obviously dulu bila  Ecah my besties got her bf, i couldn't adapt. rasa macam nak cakap je kat dia "sampai hati kau lupakan aku..." but the truth is, she never forgets me. it is just she doesn't have time for me. as i got into working field and i got my own bf, i started to realise. we have our own life and sometimes we have to put friends aside for personal matters.

but susah la if people tak faham and terus judge someone as what i stated above just because we were not there with them 24/7. i find this quotation true : "As people grow up, they realize it becomes less important to have more friends, and more important to have real ones". yeah. as people grow up, we started to build a real life. and in real life we only need friends who are real to us. because only real friends will understand what is happening in real life.   

get a life. and you will know what am i talking about now. well, it depends to the definition of life you have. and that is what makes us different. even though we tried so hard to stop the global warming and climate change, but the world is still changing day by day. so do human. as we move on from one phase of life to another. hope YOU understand this. 

bubye.               

we miss you

my family finally gave boboy and kiki up. officially now we don't have any pet. somehow, i sikit sedih bila our 'siblings with fur and paws' is no longer lingering around the house. tak dapat bayangkan perasaan mak yang bela diaorg dari kecil. yang basuh bontot and suapkan makanan. it must be had for her but she looked strong - except the fact that one night she cried because she missed boboy too much.

it all started one day when mak, abah and lala came back with a big storage box with two little kittens in it. i was like "what the hell? bukan kita semua tak suka kucing ke?" but when i looked into their innocent eyes, alamak... kesian la pulak. the owner let them go since dioarg anggap si kucing-kucing ni baka tak comel. so fine. bela jelah. 

it was 2010. gegirl at that time macam sakit. so mak asked me to bring them to the vet. i did, with lots of difficulties, and managed to do it. i saw how they poked a thermometer into gegirl's butthole. shit! sakit kot. i felt pity. and boboy was jabbed too. vaksin tahunan. and both of them demam lepas tu. i can't stand it. so disebabkan i yang duduk rumah, i have to help mak to take care of them. i had to punch some cortal, bancuh ngan air then guna syringe utk suapkan ubat tu dalam mulut diaorg. dan masa tu lah i fall completely in love to those cats.

gegirl hilang this year. everybody was sad because we know she must have died. macam mana nak survive? she can't even find her own food and bila nak makan, mak have to feed gegirl with her hands and she won't eat anything on the plate. but we healed our heart with a new replacement. kiki. bought from a pet shop. poor cat. dah terlalu lama dalam cage till she couldn't be normal for quite some times. but she adapted. and she became the sweetest cat on earth. young and carefree sampaikan lepas dia beranak pun dia tak tahu macam mana nak jaga anak. RIP jojo and no name.

mak started to develop rashes on her skin. and it got worst these few months sampaikan badan dia jadi mcm chicken pox. we went to a few specialist and they blame the cat. the fleas that bite mak came from the cat. then boboy started to change. bial dia dah dapat naluri kejantanan dia; he became very territorial, asik nak gaduh and nak mating. maybe dia ade awek kat luar, so he struggled to get out of the house everyday. semua orang rimas and risau. he changed and we don't like it. in fact, my baby is coming so mak has to keep this house clean from furs and lice and fleas. so i guess those are the starting point to help mak to make up her mind - that is to bid boboy and kiki goodbye.

now, it feels so empty without cats running around. there's no cats to cuddle. no more "boboy" and "kiki" to call. we really miss them.

boboy

kiki

tribute kepada keluarga

what a nice life to be under the roof of family. ever since i got married, i started to appreciate my family more than i used to.

everything started during my wedding preparation. masa tu i was so busy with my part and my career, that i felt i can hardly manage everything. then i started to let everything go to my mom and dad. even some of their choices were out of my taste margin. but it is fun to work together with parents. i learned something new - that is work with them will ease everything. then i started to look up on both of them. they were my hero despite the help by grandparents, aunts and uncles. 

i started to feel lucky to have my mom and dad. i could say that 85% of my wedding expenses were covered by my parents. i should have feel ashamed of this but my mum said something that touched my heart till now - "it is our responsibility to get our daughter married to a guy.." which somehow i think is true. i've been brought up seeing how my poor grandad struggled to get his daughter married to someone and how big they have contributed to their sons on their wedding.

but when my husband has to find every single penny for our wedding while his parents did nothing but wait for the money to be banked in, i went speechless... hubby has to rush to the atm just to transfer rm100 for the mother to buy ribbon. while i know nothing about the ribbon, all i know was i gave rm300 to mak and the hantaran is ready. 

at the end of the wedding when my mom told me they got more than half of the wedding expenses covered by the duit sedekah kawin, i straight away agree that they money belongs to them. and i have no rights over it. but when my hub told me on his side they got thousands, i think those money should go to him. because he squeezed his everything to get all those kching kching... but my in laws took it all and i just could say-it-all inside my heart. 

enough with cerita kawin. some more, after kawin i started to miss my mom more. everytime i went to my in-law's, i miss my home like crazy. because it doesn't feel like your own home. mak i pernah cakap "sebaik-baik mak mertua ialah sejahat-jahat mak sendiri." i miss her more to the extend i could cry in which last time i did that was when i was in MRSM - homesick. then bila ade masalah with hubby or i am having some difficulties to adapt to the new so-called family, mak, abah and lala is the shoulder to cry on. and they made me feel better.

i see how much my parents care about me when i'm pregnant. mak never allow me to do heavy things. she gave me her seat and will carry all stuffs we bought at supermarket. she won't let me carry a single bag. abah will sacrifice his food for me and keep on asking me what i want and favour. semua dia nak beli and belanja. itik panggang lah, cucur la, even nasi lemak at midnight pun dia sanggup belikan for me. i know in their prayer, my safety will always be in. i think my parents understand me the most now. 

when i see people who can't pay any respect to the parents, i feel mad. perhaps when you're single and staying with the parents, you will feel that they were the most annoying peeps ever. but wait till you get a new family. nothing is better than your own. 

love u mak, abah, lala & nani. :')

dee-paa-vaa-lie vartherkel

i am excited about deepavali! because of these:

heeeeroooooo... always. Sivaji the Boss.

those teeth make me drool. Jeans.

mysterious. but i loike.

double drool. Kaaka Kaaka. 

HAPPY DEEPAVALI AND HAPPY HOLIDAY!

nurul badiah lai my blogging idol

omai omai... nurul badiah lai reads my piece of shit! malunye...

how i wish my blog is so consistent like her. mine was like pffft whatever...

farreza. ko kena baca blog dia nyah. tertarik memang the bomb you...
http://nurulbadiah.blogspot.com/

thanks nurul badiah. :)