thank you for this anger

i thought of only updating this topic on facebook. but i can't. there's too many things running in my brain now.

what happened today was such a total crap out of hell.

i thought i could trust 17 year old boys and girls. i thought they are old enough to understand the meaning of honesty and obedience. but i was wrong. today, my perspective over luck and trustworthy diverted. i should not trust anymore. and Roshida is always the unlucky one. 

i felt an intense anger sensation, as if it was filling my body and mind. i swear i was trying so hard not to cry in from of them, but i was shivering in mad. i started to throw bundles of papers and i know that was not a good sign. i am such an epitome of amok - i throw things and i can hit people when i am angry. so i keep quiet because i know i can't hit them. 

who knows what's inside?

i cursed. and i hate. i was trying to tell myself, "do not say the F word."  i managed to do it but i can't stop cursing the kids. i know it is not a good thing when a teacher cursed a student; like a mom cursed his son. but i was trying so hard not to. i just cant.

i hate you guys, 5 Al Jazari. i am sorry that some of you are not guilty, but you're not sorry of what you guys have done.

i'm off for a few days. i hope i can revive.

teachers are human. human feel angry; we like and we hate. satan is always around us. we're not angel.

one last shout:


FUCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! argh!

guleng guleng

on the carpet. urgh. boooring!

miss

tomorrow my sorrow will go. 

i miss you Azren sir...

happy buruh's day

happy labour's day.

i'm such a labour working my ass dang hard.

and i really wanted to work my ass dang harder for my career advancement.

i love my life. i love my family. i love my fiance. i love my friends.

want you.

want the pink belacan version of this!!!

 thanks Diana Rafar for the wedding gown inspiration!

uncle, please make me the the most gorgeous bouquet! i'm you 1st malay customer, maa :)

henna. still searching. hurmmm...

marriage thought #1

27 days to my wedding day. i felt the throb but it was too weak to shake me nervous. 

my house is complete by now. i just need a husband to attain cloud nine. mr. fiance left me again after quite some time he was onshore. the feeling was different this time, i hate it more than i hate it before. the tribulations of a few days before the wedding day are totally different. sometimes it seems unbearable. 

it takes more than a strong soul if you choose to marry a navy. at first i thought it was easy. a miss independent; i have everything. i was a lady who wanted to marry a guy but at the same time i don't really need that guy. when he went to sail and at time i was his girlfriend, i felt ok. mum is still here, i can go shopping with lala or hang out with friends. then we got engaged, he left me quite a few times. even after 2 days i wore the engagement ring, he sailed away. that moment, i started crying each time he bid me goodbye. and this time, again, i was left behind prior his duty. sad, i swear. even there's nothing left to handle regarding marriage. 

living in lonesome sounds easy. oh come on shida, you've been single for quite sometimes before, aite? but hell no after i had this ring around my finger. if it's possible i want him to be around me all the time, like the ring does. but he's a navy and i had to share him with his profession. and at times, sharing sucks! the feeling is like he had another wife and when i had to let him go, it seems like he's away for the 2nd wife. 

i was strong. i hope i can still be strong for another 27 more days. 

27 more days? my face looks like a leopard-full of dark spots *help!! body is getting bigger *fartshit! knee wasn't that fit for high heel *dang! now i'm blowing my stack. HALP!

serves me right?

urgh.

what am i doing here? stuck at home while the others are at their real home. i miss mommy. :(

well. this is the result of me trying so damn hard to be poyo - with a claim that i want to have a peace of mind. oh yeah. so peace. students weren't here, no neighbours. aha. peace. a real one. pfft.

what happened last thursday was one of the worst ever. i never had that kind of breakdown. seems like body and brain went to separate ways. i hate every single faces i met even though they meant nothing to me. i still hate them for no reason. i hate the papers i was stapling. if only i can step and fart on the papers i would have done that. i estimated that work is going to finish by 4 but at 6.30 pm i am still a zombie at work; a crying zombie. yup i can't stop shedding tears that day. too many things have put me down on that thurs-doom.

mr. fiance was another contributing factor. if he was in front of me at that time i think he'll got a punch right on his face. yelah! i was too down when he pressed me with another oppressing news - "i'm going sailing from 1st may to 5th."
i just can't stop when F word eagerly wanted to come out of my mouth. not just that. i started cursing. the words varied from P to B to P again to B to whateverrr.

mommy said "you're simply too tired hun. go back and get some sleep." it worked. and when i woke up, i just don't feel like waking up. i still want to make love with my bed. while i was on it, my brain was on labour. yup, i came to a conclusion that i am going to withdraw from my relationship first. mommy texted "take one step at a time. i care and luv you."

so i am taking one step at a time. an my first step is - get as many rest as i could. so, my verdict is - don't go back. stay home and do something relaxing. facial, checked. cleaning house, checked. blogging, checked. facebook, checked. online shopping, checked. what else to do? shito.






urgh. i need help.