the love of what are you doing.

oh my so long since last entry.

i still got more than 250 SPM scripts to mark but not in the mood yet. at some moment of my life now, i was wondering what the heck am i doing with these bundles of papers while i will only gain about 800MYR; while the whole december of mine will be spent being nerdy in the room, marking papers. 

but then my senses woke up. this is all for my self betterment. yeah, like if anyone want to yell at me and say i am not good, i can spit out some fact that "aku marking SPM so i know what i am doing." i am going to be somebody one day. and i know this is the platform. i am going to be somebody, somewhere someday. 

i was known as a girl with no permanent ambition by my family. yelah, kejap nak jadi penyanyi la (perasan suara sedap), laywer la (sebab dulu suka debate ngan orang), nak jadi architect (sebab rasa cam cool je kerja ni), semua kerja nak; tolak doctor ngan engineer je sbb cliche sangat. i was still floating back in my schooling years sampailah matriculation. 

but my wake up call was the end of matric. i realised that i can't go in any field with maths and science (except bio because it requires more memorising and understanding compared to calculation). so when i was about to fill my UPU form, all was no science subject. and the greatest shock was when i filled Ijazah Sarjana Muda Pendidikan as my major choice. i put English as my priority and the first choice was USM and thank youo Allah, i got my first choice. till today i never regret my choice even my mak kept on telling me how bad my choice was (because she was a teacher before).

at times i regretted being a teacher. yeah i do. yelah, work could be a mayhem at times. while you're trying to please and keep people's head up on you when at time you failed doing that - i got sick with all these at times. but i realise i couldn't be perfect because i am not a robot or a prophet. i will be disappointing sometimes. and please shida. that is normal. i was trying to munch this fact all the time. but when i can't that's why i felt so scattered. 

but at the 2nd year of my career journey, i started to love the gist of it. dulu, i love it all because of the students. but i realised that students can't be sweet forever. so when i learn and learn and know my work well, God, i have fallen in love. my work isn't that bad. except for the bad times. but when i try to embrace my what i am doing now without bothering about my surrounding, yeah it feels good. 

now i know i have made a right decision. but how could that be right?

by trying to love it. and made yourself comfortable with it. prinsip yang sama dengan tak kenal maka tak cinta. wow. now i started to see how malay proverb works. 

i hope what i am feeling towards my career now will be on forever. cheers to my upcoming 3rd year of service.